how are you doing?

Cape Town | 2014

This is part two of three from this post.

I have the tendency to overthink things, and most of the time in a negative way. I guess that's why I didn't want to believe that this virus could become a pandemic. I didn't want to go there because I knew that if I did, I would think about all the possible scenarios where this could go so very wrong. When I was fired from my job, the wall of positivity that I was trying to build through this crisis came crashing down, and along with it all the feelings and emotions I had hiding behind it.

This all happened on a Friday, so needless to say I had a very bad weekend. I was so sad that all I wanted to do was drink margaritas and eat shitty food, so I did. When things like this happened to me in the past, I would be miserable for days, and the negativity would just build up and make me feel even worse. But this time I only allowed myself to feel like that for the weekend. I made a commitment that, come Monday morning, I had to figure out a way to snap out of it and find an exit strategy.

I spent all weekend watching Netflix, crying, eating brownies for breakfast, crying some more, having ice cream for lunch and margaritas for dinner. I was wrapped in self pity and negative thoughts, and the anxiety of the "what the hell am I going to do now?" kept creeping in. Binge watching TV and eating sugar for every meal was a great distraction, but none of that was going to help me find a solution to my problems. The fact was, I still had lost my job and now I felt bad for eating that much junk food.

Monday morning I decided to sleep in and rest, I still cried a bit when I got up but I wasn't feeling as bad as I did. Like my husband had told me "we're gonna be okay." So I decided I needed to work on my resume, update my portfolio and apply for as many jobs as I could. I spent a good part of that week working on that, and by Friday I was feeling better and even hopeful that maybe things were in fact going to be okay.

The weeks after that were spent applying for jobs, watching and rewatching a lot of TV, eating unhealthy food one day and trying to compensate with a healthy smoothie the next. My mood and emotions were like a roller coaster, one day I was super productive and got a lot done, and the next was spent staring either at my phone or the wall. I spent the last month debating on how to spend my free time. Whether I should be productive or just enjoy it, because I probably wouldn't have that much free time again anytime soon.

A couple weeks ago I got the news from work that they had been approved for a government loan and would be able to hire everyone back. What a relief it was! I knew once again that I would have a paycheck and would go back to doing something I really enjoyed again. The light at the end of the tunnel was starting to shine and I was ready to have some sort of routine back. Even though I got my job back in the end, all the feelings and emotions I had throughout this quarantine were still valid. We are allowed to feel whichever way we want to and do what we see fit with this "free" time, it's all okay. At the end of the day my husband was right after all (don't tell him that, lol), we are going to be ok!

To be continued...